Get soul

Do you sometimes feel like you've lost yourself, or that you're not really yourself at all? Or do you simply want to grow and become the person you think you’ve got the potential to be? Without wanting to get too deep and meaningful, it’s worth recognising that true happiness appears to be linked to some sense of spirituality ... whatever that is! For many of us, the word evokes visions of meditating hippies or Tibetan monks, far removed from the urban hustle and bustle of our everyday lives. Try to pin down what it means and you’ll struggle, as it’s one of those airy-fairy ethereal concepts that are almost impossible to grasp. For example, is it possible to be spiritual without being religious? Conversely, it is possible to be religious without being spiritual?

Look up ‘spirituality’ on the web and you’ll be bombarded by different definitions. To keep things simple, here’s ours:

spirituality = a quest to understand the meaning of life and to know our true selves

So, when we say ‘get soul’, what we’re really suggesting is that you take the time to tune in to your inner self and to the world around you, in the hope of discovering a greater sense of what life is all about. For some people, this may be linked to a particular faith or set of religious beliefs, whilst for others it isn’t. The universality of spirituality extends across creed and culture … but at the same time spirituality is felt as unique to each and every one of us.

Here are some tips that may help you to get soul:

Give yourself the time and space
Free yourself from the curse of craving
Cultivate love and gratitude
Live an ethical life
Concentrate and calm your mind
Recognise the sacred in all things
Develop wisdom
Be generous
Set yourself some 'soul' goals
Keep working at it!

1. Give yourself the time and space

The hectic pace of life these days makes it far from easy to develop the spiritual side of our nature. Most of us are caught up in a whirlwind of activity that never seems to stop. Whilst we may have a strong sense of needing to slow down and draw breath, both literally and metaphorically, we often don’t know how to get off the treadmill. For some of us, being constantly on the go has become such a habit that we’ve lost the ability to relax and even over-schedule our holidays!

And yet, unless we claim the time and space we need, we’re likely to remain unfulfilled. So … just do it. Negotiate a day off from the family and go for a walk in the countryside. On your own. Breathe deeply, feel the wind on your cheeks and absorb yourself in nature. Let the thoughts float freely through your mind … and out the other side! Like clouds passing across the sky. Don’t try to achieve anything … just ‘be’. Once you’ve remembered how good it feels, you’ll want to experience it more often. So work out how you can give yourself regular time and space to do nothing except just ‘be’. Even if it’s just ten minutes a day of peace and quiet by yourself. It’s the best way to begin to get soul.

2. Free yourself from the curse of craving

All the great religions regard attachment, or craving, as a major cause of human suffering. Attachment is a compulsion that screams “I must have what I desire if I am to be happy.” If you fancy a bar of chocolate and eat one, that’s fine. If you can’t have one for some reason, it’s probably not a big deal. That is, unless you’re attached or, worse still, addicted to chocolate, in which case you must have it or you suffer! According to Roger Walsh, author of ‘Essential Spirituality’:

“Unfulfilled desires produce little impact; unfulfilled attachments yield frustration and pain.”

We can become attached or addicted to practically anything - alcohol, drugs, money, power, fame, sex, status, beliefs, food, clothes, self-image. The list is virtually endless. We think these things will make us happy but they rarely do, or at least not for long. In actual fact, they distort our priorities and blind us to the source of real happiness. We become slaves to our cravings. So, if you want the possibility of experiencing freedom and fulfillment, you have to minimise your attachments. How do you do this? There are whole books written on the subject, but here are a few quick pointers:

Identify your own attachments. Whenever something causes you pain, it’s probably linked to an attachment. For example, if you get upset by negative feedback, it could be that you crave other people’s approval.
Reflect on the costs of craving. What is the impact on your life? For example, you don’t do what you really want to do in case other people disapprove.
Realise that you can survive the experience of craving. Detach yourself and get curious about what it feels like. For example, you notice how you feel when someone disapproves of you, and stick with that feeling until it passes.
Recognise what lies beneath your attachments. What underlying thoughts and beliefs do you hold? For example, you might have a belief left over from your childhood that people won’t love you unless you do what they want.
Think long-term - who do you want to be and how do you want to live your life? For example, you want to live your life on your own terms, not on anyone else’s.

3. Cultivate love and gratitude

Our emotions rule our lives, so it’s vital to ensure that they’re as positive as possible. We’re not talking about the kind of incessant ‘Positive Mental Attitude’ that’s become so popular, particularly in America! We mean reducing painful, limiting feelings such as fear and anger, and fostering more helpful and expansive emotions such as love, compassion, gratitude and generosity. Real love - not the attachment kind of love that says “I can’t live without you!” but the unconditional kind that says “no matter what”. And, ideally, we want to make it an all-encompassing love that reaches out to more and more people - what Buddha called ‘lovingkindness’.

It all sounds great, but if it were that easy to do we’d be living in a very different world. Getting rid of negative emotions and cultivating positive ones takes awareness and practice. But awareness is the first step. Focus on showing love, compassion, gratitude and generosity, and you’ll find there’s less room for the not-so-nice emotions. So each time you feel yourself in the grip of a negative feeling, follow a similar process to the one outlined in tip 2. Most importantly of all, realise that you have a choice. Whilst you may not be able to control what happens to you, you CAN choose how you feel about it and how you respond to it. You can turn a sulky face into a smiling one, just like that!

4. Live an ethical life

Ethical behaviour basically means treating other people in the way that we would like them to treat us. It’s a golden rule of Christianity - “Do to others as you would have them do to you” - and involves fostering other people’s wellbeing as well as our own. (Of course, it involves taking care of our planet and everything on it, too.) It’s a ‘win win’ approach to life!

Unfortunately, however, not everyone quite ‘gets’ this! People sometimes become caught up in a struggle for money, power, success or even survival, and fail to realise that, as Buddha pointed out, “whatever you do, you do to yourself.” In other words, if you hurt others, in the long run you also hurt yourself. If you show lovingkindness and compassion to others, the chances are they will do the same to you, and the world will be much better place for all of us. But you have to go first!

5. Concentrate and calm your mind

Okay, this is the meditation bit! It had to be in here because, according to most great spiritual teachers, meditation is the key to a better understanding of ourselves and of the meaning of life. Quite apart from this, the rewards of developing a calm, concentrated mind are huge. Countless research studies have demonstrated the benefits of regular meditation for health and wellbeing, intellectual performance, pain management and all sorts of other things. So how do you do it?

There are lots of different kinds of meditation and this is not the place to try and teach it. But here’s how to make a start:

Do one thing at a time, and pay full attention to whatever it is you’re doing.

This is the complete opposite to how most mums live, so you may find it a bit of a challenge initially. Begin with a small everyday task, like brushing your teeth, and aim to do it mindfully rather than mindlessly! Build up from there …

Take three breaths.

Anyone can fit this quick exercise into their busy life. It’ll make you feel a whole lot better, so do it as often as you can. Take three long, slow breaths, breathing in deeply and then relaxing and letting go as the air falls out. Think to yourself with each one:

Breathing in I smile
Breathing out I relax
This is a wonderful moment

Or something along those lines!

That’s it, you’ve started. And if you’re keen to find out more about meditation, check out the Resources section of the mummo website for further information.

6. Recognise the sacred in all things

This is really an extension of the previous tip, as it’s all about doing things mindfully and appreciating each moment as much as you can. Rather than rushing through life and taking most of it for granted, we need to recognise what’s special - or sacred - in everything we do! Here are a few simple exercises in awareness to get you going:

eat mindfully and appreciate the joy of food
relax and listen to a piece of music properly, no other distractions
really listen to other people
look for the beauty in life, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing
tune in to your body
speak mindfully

This tip is an antidote to today’s culture (in the West anyway) of always aspiring to something else … to be someone else or somewhere else. It’s designed to help us appreciate what we’ve got right here, right now. After all, what a shame to miss out on the magic and wonder right under our noses!

7. Develop wisdom

Wisdom is a bit of a paradox - if we want to be wise, we must first of all recognise that we are not. Wisdom isn’t the kind of thing that we can learn at university … and yet it can be found everywhere, in every person, situation and experience to which we bring an open mind! Having said that, the great spiritual and religious traditions recommend that we seek wisdom:

in nature
in silence and solitude
from the wise
in ourselves
from reflecting on the nature of life and death

As you can see, most of these take you back to the first tip and the need to give yourself space and time. In addition, your ability to concentrate and calm your mind (tip 5) will enable you to more easily tap into your own wisdom and absorb the wisdom of others. Get curious and seek out insights and inspiration from people you respect, whether that’s in real life or through books, websites and other resources. Read … and write. Open yourself up to learning, and be grateful for what you receive. Meditate on your own philosophy of life - can you sum it up from the depths of yourself, in three words or so? If you can, you’ll discover some of the deepest principles guiding you through life.

“Those who know others are wise. Those who know themselves are enlightened.”
Lao Tsu

8. Be generous

Many would say that the secret of happiness lies in putting other people first. Research has shown that generous people tend to be happier and psychologically healthier than selfish individuals. They even experience a “helper’s high”! Paradoxically, taking time to make others happy actually makes us feel better than devoting all our energy and efforts to our own pleasures!

Of course, we’re talking here about being generous with your time and talents, not necessarily with your money. And it’s vital to keep sight of yourself too, and to do it for the right reasons. Work out what you would like to do to help and be of service in the world. Play to your strengths. If you’re not a natural born nurse, don’t go and work in a hospital, do something that suits you and that you’ll enjoy. Start small. There’s so much we can each do close to home, we don’t have to jump on the first plane to Darfur to be useful!

As Mother Teresa repeatedly urged:

“Don’t look for spectacular actions. What is important is the gift of yourselves.
It is the degree of love you insert in your deeds.”

9. Set yourself some ‘soul’ goals

If you are really serious about developing your spirituality, set yourself some goals to achieve. These may be linked to the kinds of habits you want to develop, the learning you want to do or the impact you intend to have in life. Some of them may have an end date, whilst others will be ongoing. Celebrate every achievement. Whether you ‘succeed’ at what you wanted to do or not, celebrate what the experience has given you. In short, put your spirituality on the agenda along with the rest of your goals for life. Give it a place … and you’ll probably soon find that it’s at the heart of everything you do.

10. Keep working at it!

You don’t ‘get soul’ overnight. To coin a slightly over-used analogy, “it’s a journey” … and one that will probably take the rest of your life! You may find that spirituality slips off your agenda every now and then as other pressures take hold. Get it back. It’s the bit that can give everything else meaning, and without it life can seem rather like running round a hamster wheel. Look out for spiritual teachers and other people who are on a similar journey, so that you have some support. And keep working at it … it will be worth it. Again, according to Roger Walsh in his book ‘Essential Spirituality’:

“The journey of awakening is the most remarkable adventure any human being can undertake. No other activity is ultimately so rewarding for ourselves or so helpful to others.”